I can text with my tongue
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
