Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
