I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
