You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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