grandma shit on top of the toilet
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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