I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I believe in your delicious
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
