Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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