I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
