There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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