Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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