Do you still have your period?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
