Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
