Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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