I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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