i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
