he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Another day, another engagement, another cat
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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