I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
