If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
