You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
