Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
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the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
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I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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