saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
