i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
