I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
