sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
