1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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