i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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