thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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