I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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