nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
