So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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