The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
