OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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