Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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