im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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