That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
