your parents love me but you hate me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
