There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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