Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
