Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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