my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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