Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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