My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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