Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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