I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
