3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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