It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
