My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
