Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Holy sore nipples Batman
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
