I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
