someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
two words: eviction party
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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