You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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