I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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