Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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