So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
