im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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